A conversation with Llama

(Llama is home sick. I'm home with her and she's starting to feel better, so I made an omelet for us for breakfast today. I was beating the eggs when this conversation happened.)

Llama: Eggys! (pointing at the eggs)
Me: I'm going to make an omelet.
Llama: Om-tit?
Me: Omelet.
Llama: Om-a-bit?
Me: Omelet.
Llama: Eggs.

Something tells me I'm in for a little trouble as time goes on.

Living intentionally

Today I was lucky enough to attend the American Counseling Association's national conference. ACA was lucky enough to be able to hold it in Pittsburgh, which is of course a place that I hold near and dear to my heart. Very near, very dear. So much, in fact, that while I was handing out tote bags as part of my volunteer commitment, my colleague (who lives near Cleveland) told me that I made her want to explore Pittsburgh, and she was bound by everything SHE held near and dear to hate Pittsburgh. I directed people all over our fair city. Primanti's, Lidia's, the science center, and the Carnegie museums may all send me my check. A nice man told me he'd never seen a river before and asked me, "Where do I go to see the river?" I sent him to the Point and explained that there were three rivers that he'd see there. He was duly astonished.

The keynote speaker at the conference was a wonderful, interesting lady named Patti Digh. I linked her blog so that you can go read it yourself, because she is a much better writer than I am. She talked about living intentionally, about how we spend our time and energy trying to create the big memories (the Disney World trips), and how what we really remember after someone's gone are the little things. The rituals, formal and informal, that we go through each day or each week. The moments that seem like nothing when they're happening and are precious beyond compare when the person with whom we shared them is gone. I brought home two things - one, that as a mom, I want my little Llama to remember me as loving and fun and as the mom who was THERE. I'm afraid that right now, she knows me as some lady who provides the snacks every now and again. And two, that my job as a counselor will be to help "my kids" make good memories with their families and loved ones. To teach them to cope when I can and to be the bridge for them when I can't. I was really touched today. I know, I know, I'm touched every day. I'm always crying nowadays. I used to have a thick skin and I'm not sure where it went.

In any case, I have a lot to think about. I also have some new books, and I brought home one new book for my Llama. There's an opening party happening right now at the convention center, and the drinks were free. But I really wanted to have dinner with my little girl and my husband, so I gave away my ticket and came home.

I gave up sarcasm and mean comments for Lent.

It's not really something I talk about on here or even "in real life," as internet people like to say, but I'm Catholic. We go to church as much as we can, which is hard since we've been living in a snow globe for the past few months and Llama gets bored. She tries to take the "snackies" from Father Boyle, too. Anyway, that's not the point of this. This is about me, not her. How often does a mom say that?

So I gave up sarcasm and mean comments because I use them to hide behind. Sure, they're authentic because they come from me. It's easy for me to quickly spit out something funny and cutting. I'm good at it, just ask anyone who's felt it. (And I do apologize if you've been the recipient.) But they're not authentic because I don't mean them.

The things that I really think, the things I really mean with all of my heart, are not the things that I say to most people. It's not easy to be a soft-hearted girl in a hard-hearted world. I'm a crier, and for the most part I've hidden that from people by laughing when I wanted to cry. Instead, I cry in the car when I'm alone. Or in the shower. Or, on one memorable occasion this week, in class in front of eight classmates and a professor.

So, if you have this blog link, it's because I love you and you matter to me. It's because I want you to know my daughter and you're far away, or because you don't actually know my daughter but I want you to know that she's a sweet, funny, adorable little lady who I hope grows up to know that she doesn't have to hide behind anything.

I gave up sarcasm and mean comments in hopes that I would become more true to myself. If you've known me a long time, you might remember a time when I wasn't adept at sarcasm and I wasn't that funny. I was awkward and scared and sad. I still am all of those things. Something touches my heart every day, and instead of hiding that, I wanted to be honest about it.

There you have it.

And days go by...

Again, a month between posts. If I were trying to make money as a mommyblogger, I'd never be successful.

Gems from Llama's mouth in the past few weeks:

• When walking past a construction site: "Backhoes. Escavators (Excavators). Pap-Pap ride on it." She's right, Pap-Pap does have a backhoe.
• When asked what Mommy does: "Mommy pee potty." Good to know that my achievements have been noted.
• When seeing me in a black bra, VERY excitedly: "Mick-ouse hat! Mommy Mick-ouse hat!" Thanks, kiddo. Mommy loves to have a Mickey Mouse hat on her chest.
• When Bucket walked in the house after having his hair cut: "Daddy! Your head!" He replies, "What's the matter with my head?" And she says, "Is wrong." Awesome.

The fun just never stops.

Bucket finally came home on Wednesday. I deliberately did not make it clear to Llama that he would be picking her up, because I didn't want her to be crying for him all day. (And superstitiously, I didn't want to be a jinx and make something happen.)

From what he said, she was so excited when he arrived that she could not stop running in circles and squealing. I don't have the right words, but I got a little teary when he told me that. She missed him so much and is so happy that he's home.

That said, though, a sick girl wants her mama. And on Friday afternoon of my much-anticipated weekend of having a second parent with whom to share all the fun and work, daycare called me and said, "Heather, can you come get Llama? She just threw up. A lot." In the 10 minutes between when they called me and when I arrived (it is only a few buildings away), she had thrown up again. And we made it almost all the way home before she threw up in her carseat. The vomit comet kept rocketing around until late yesterday morning, when my poor Llama passed out on top of me in what was (for me) a very uncomfortable position. But I was afraid to move because I didn't want to wake her or make her puke on me again, so I just laid in this contorted, hunched position for two hours in the corner of the couch.

Until Bucket walked in the door (very quietly) and Llama's Daddy radar went off and she popped up. I was both grateful and irritated. Grateful because God, thank you that I can move now. And irritated because she was finally effing sleeping and then she was not.

But we went to Target to drop $200 on random household items and diapers and all was well.

Whoa, two posts in two days? This hasn't happened in MONTHS!

I was looking at my friend's photoblog and thinking that I should do the same thing. Daily photos. As long as I don't lose the USB cord (ha!), I might be better able to keep up with it. Here's the catch, though. My schedule right now is as follows:

• Monday: Field Experience 8:45a-3:40p, Class 4:00p-6:45p
• Tuesday: Work 8:00a-12:00p, Meeting 12:30p-1:30p, Class 7:00p-9:45p
• Wednesday: Field Experience 8:45a-3:40p, Class 4:00p-6:45p
• Thursday: Work 8:00a-4:00p
• Friday: Work 8:00a-4:00p
• Saturday: Housework, homework, shopping (for food and other necessities, of course)
• Sunday: Church and family dinner

So the photos would be of various things I see as the day goes by. And my camera is not that good. But I do carry it all the time and take photos of lots of random crap. I mean stuff.

I'm thinking of starting it on Llama's birthday, which is April 17. Leave me a comment indicating if you think I'd neglect a photoblog as sadly as I neglect this blog, or if you think it's a good idea.

Thanks!

Some photos and some quotes from Llama.

Disney World was super fun. There were moments where it was super cold. Llama fell on her face so many times because she just could not contain her excitement. Please note the scraped nose. But also the excitement.


The Army Guy thought he was going to have jambalaya for dinner. He was wrong. He got The Wang Platter.


And not Disney, but a rare family shot. Bonus that we're all facing the same direction and appear to be happy! (We were, in fact, happy.)

Now, the quotes.

• Upon entering the water floor at the Pittsburgh Children's Museum: "Swim! Swim!" (While taking off her shoes.)
• While driving home from the museum: "Daddy has a hamma." He does have a hammer, that is true. I'm just not sure why it was relevant.
• In the grocery store: "Monkey! Monkey! Mama, ho ho ho all gone." Good call, kiddo. Christmas has been over for a while. That's why I'm not sure why they still have a Santa Claus overlooking the produce department.
• In church, to a lady who had crutches and a leg brace: "You get up! Stand up!" Llama is the church enforcer.
• Same Sunday, also in church, to the Priest: "Snacky time!" He didn't appreciate it the way I did.
• And finally, tonight, when I asked her if she could say "armadillo": "Arm-a-dildo!"