Friday, February 26, 2010

I gave up sarcasm and mean comments for Lent.

It's not really something I talk about on here or even "in real life," as internet people like to say, but I'm Catholic. We go to church as much as we can, which is hard since we've been living in a snow globe for the past few months and Llama gets bored. She tries to take the "snackies" from Father Boyle, too. Anyway, that's not the point of this. This is about me, not her. How often does a mom say that?

So I gave up sarcasm and mean comments because I use them to hide behind. Sure, they're authentic because they come from me. It's easy for me to quickly spit out something funny and cutting. I'm good at it, just ask anyone who's felt it. (And I do apologize if you've been the recipient.) But they're not authentic because I don't mean them.

The things that I really think, the things I really mean with all of my heart, are not the things that I say to most people. It's not easy to be a soft-hearted girl in a hard-hearted world. I'm a crier, and for the most part I've hidden that from people by laughing when I wanted to cry. Instead, I cry in the car when I'm alone. Or in the shower. Or, on one memorable occasion this week, in class in front of eight classmates and a professor.

So, if you have this blog link, it's because I love you and you matter to me. It's because I want you to know my daughter and you're far away, or because you don't actually know my daughter but I want you to know that she's a sweet, funny, adorable little lady who I hope grows up to know that she doesn't have to hide behind anything.

I gave up sarcasm and mean comments in hopes that I would become more true to myself. If you've known me a long time, you might remember a time when I wasn't adept at sarcasm and I wasn't that funny. I was awkward and scared and sad. I still am all of those things. Something touches my heart every day, and instead of hiding that, I wanted to be honest about it.

There you have it.


Tess said...

I think you're pretty incredible, Heather.

Aunt Dawn said...

I am so proud of you. The crying is good for you and good for the soul. One cannot have been through what you have and not cry. That is your release. Never doubt that you are a loving and caring person. Your little girl will someday realize how lucky she is to have had you as her mother. Your love for her shows in your writing and in your eyes when you speak of her. As life goes on we learn to trust and cling to the people who bring us love and joy. The bad things never go away but have made you the person you are today. I love you.

Heather said...

Aunt Dawn, I am not sure how I missed this - but thank you. :) I love you too!

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