Thursday, November 27, 2008

It's Thanksgiving, Charlie Brown!

Here's my list of things I'm thankful for. Please assume that I am more thankful for my daughter, husband, family, and friends than anyone could know and that a blog post would not do that justice.

Heather's Thanksgiving Happy List (in no particular order)
  1. Wine
  2. Grey's Anatomy
  3. Fiestaware
  4. Cute shoes
  5. The Steelers
  6. Guitar Hero
  7. Jewelry
  8. Margaritas
  9. The Wii I hope to be receiving for Christmas (perhaps Bucket will read this...)
  10. Roomba

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I hope you're going to be spending it with someone you love. I'll be with a lot of someones I love. :)

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Eh, I give up on updating daily.

It's clearly not for me. :p

So, my baby girl is crawling. She's ambitious. She wants to ride the Roomba and eat the houseplant. (Yes, I only have one plant inside. I haven't killed it yet and it's been three - I think? - years. Mostly it's not dead because Bucket is really good about watering it.) Llama becomes very angry when she's denied access to the Roomba, but she's easily distracted by a block tower. She is very excited when someone builds her a nice big tower to knock down. I'm trying to teach her to clap and say "Yay!" because how cute would it be if that was the first thing she said? I'm mostly doing that defensively, because Bucket sees no problem with her listening to Howard Stern or to music with the swears in it, and I'm afraid that her first recognizable word might be "f*ck." Or "strippers." I'm not sure which would be worse, but I'd really prefer "Yay!"

On the ambitious front, you've probably heard this news already, but just in case you haven't... I was accepted to graduate school! I start January 12, and I'll be getting my master's in counseling and education. I'm very, very, very excited. The classes I have this semester are in the evenings, too, which is wonderful because we won't be paying for Llama-care. Bucket and I will do a handoff, and one night a week, Bucket will hand her off to his mom and I will pick her up there because he has a weekly meeting. Llama-grandmama offered, and I gratefully accepted.

Bucket and I will be ships passing in the night three days a week, and I'm assuming that there will be plenty of other days that I'm doing homework or he has something to do, or (God forbid) he'll be traveling again. He is nervous that it'll be a struggle, and of course it will. In the end, though, we'll all be happier for it.

I'm very excited for Thanksgiving tomorrow. Best. Holiday. Ever. Who can be upset about a day that focuses solely on food? Can't wait. Fatty's ready. I'm in charge of the wine and the appetizers. It's being hosted by my sister-in-law, who is a million weeks pregnant (I can say that because I was once a million weeks pregnant and I know the feeling) and uncomfortable. She's a rockstar. Last year, I hosted at 5 months pregnant and I wanted to die. Bucket was not working, but he was doing house renovations. I was working 60 hour weeks to make up for the lost income. I was already having blood pressure and swelling issues. And 22 people were coming to my house to eat. I delegated many tasks. And when Llama's aunt (I can't think of a cute rhyming name yet...) didn't tell me what to do for dinner, I told her what I would do. Because sometimes it needs to happen that way. I don't want her to feel like she's going to die, although that's probably going to happen no matter what.

Enjoy the time with your families - and the food! Happy Thanksgiving!

PS: Tomorrow I will do the list of things for which I am thankful. :)

Monday, November 17, 2008

Falling down on the job, part II

Again, I got all tangled up in real life and didn't post every day like I said I would. Oops. Guess I'm not ready to be a participant in National Blog Posting Month... good thing it's almost over, right?

Today, Llama turns seven months old. Right now the light of my life is bouncing in her jumper because that's one of the only places I can keep her contained. She wants to eat the Playstation wires. I guess we all want stuff, right?

Speaking of wants, I want snow. I want a lot of snow, and Bucket will not move us back to Erie where the snow is. He's so unfair, talking about how he has a job and we own a house, and all that nonsense. We have a tiny little dusting of white stuff on the grass, but Erie got five inches. Too bad I love Bucket more than I love snow, I guess.

Snow is a funny word, when you type it too many times, it looks like gibberish. I'm becoming an expert on gibberish. Llama is fluent in it and I'm starting to understand a little.

Back to how Llama turns seven months old. If you count the whole time I was pregnant (and I do), I've been a mom for a year and a third. Sixteen months. It seems like such a short time for such a big change. We should be given more time to adjust to the idea, I think. Maybe without being huge and feeling icky. My sister-in-law is pregnant and due in a month, and I do not envy her one bit. That last month was torturous. Of course, I do envy her getting a tiny, smooshy, snuggly baby. My baby is not tiny, definitely not smooshy, and absolutely not snuggly anymore. She is on the move. I am not allowed to snuggle her unless it is bedtime and she is very, very tired. It seems like I should have gotten more time for that, too.

Maybe the sleep deprivation is what keeps me going. I remember reading once, somewhere, that if you cut your calorie intake in half (?? something like that) and slept only four to five hours a day (I think... can't remember for sure...), you could double your life expectancy. Or something. I'm halfway there, anyway. I'm good with not sleeping. I cannot, however, stop eating. Some days that's the only reason I get out of bed. Well, that and the organic alarm clock. Llama is very noisy when she's unhappy. Hard to sleep through that.

And now, strangely, all I can think of is how I would like some cake and some wine. It's not even close to a time where that would be an acceptable meal. Something tells me it should be noon... or later... before I bust out the corkscrew and cake server. But it does remind me that I'm taking Llama to the liquor store with me today. Yay, Mother of the Year award, coming my way!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Good morning, Baby Llama...

I sing a good morning song to Llama every day when I wake her up. It's to the tune of "Happy Birthday," and I do call her Llama in real life. She's my little Baby Llama. Her favorite book is "Llama Llama Red Pajama," and that is why she's Llama. Daddy wears a hard hat when he's on job sites, and his head is so big that his hard hat looks like a bucket. People used to call him Buckethead, and then just Bucket... and it made a nice code name. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

This morning, I went in to her room, singing as usual, expecting to find her up on her hands and knees and rocking. But no! She crawled across her crib to me! We have mobility! And no baby gates. That's today's project. Cupboard latches, doorknob thingys, and baby gates.

Y'know, if I have one failing (snicker), it's that I only vacuum the things you can see. Well, really, I have a Roomba. But it only vacuums the things it can see. Anyway, Llama is like a little human dust mop, and she has found the secret stockpiles of dog hair that we keep under the couches in case terrorists who are allergic to dogs come. She keeps trying to eat it. Apparently I'm going to have to pick up the pace a little bit on the housekeeping.

With that in mind, I'm going to shop for a couch. And babyproofing items. I guess I know what Bucket and I will be doing this evening, and it's not playing Guitar Hero. Have a good day!

Monday, November 10, 2008

Falling down on the job

So I posted about November being the month where bloggers commit to posting every day, and then I didn't post for a bunch of days. Oops. Sorry about that.

Anyway, since I have last written, Llama and I went to Grove City to the outlets with my friend and her twin girls. It was lots of fun, but I do not envy my friend much anymore. I was jealous because I wanted twins. Basically, twins are twice as much work... and everyone and their mom thinks they have a right to come and make odd comments, stare, or try to touch your kids. I'm insane about that already, with just one baby. Bucket thinks I'm rude because when people try to touch Llama, I tell them that her doctor says we shouldn't let people touch her. I've also told people she had a contagious disease. Bucket wasn't around for that one. He would have thought that was really rude.

And this weekend, I went to Erie all by myself. Llama and Bucket stayed home together. They had a great time. I was a wreck. I was crying by the time I got to the interstate (30 minutes into my 27-hour-long trip) and drinking almost immediately upon arrival at the bridal shower. That's right, I had an alcoholic beverage at 11am on Saturday. At a bridal shower. I am a classy, classy lady, and don't you forget it. I called home so many times that Bucket was tired of hearing my voice. I think he heard from me more in 27 hours than he did in the past 10 years. Then I drove home like a bat out of hell and thought I had gotten a speeding ticket.

I was flying down the road at about 20 mph over the speed limit, talking on my cell phone, cruise control set. That's right, when the baby's not in the car, I'm a speed demon and dangerous as hell. I flew past a state trooper who had the speed trapper thingy sticking out the window. I knew that I was sunk. He pulled out onto the road right behind me. I hung up on my brother. I dropped the cruise speed to 5mph over the speed limit. (I didn't want to be too obvious.) And then the trooper exited the highway. I was (and am) happy I didn't get a ticket, but man. That was kind of a dick move. And I bet the trooper knows it, too. No speeding ticket for me, which is great, since I just weaseled out of one at this time last year, which means that it would still show up if the trooper ran my license, and then there would be no escaping the giant fine or the points on my driving record.

Llama fared just fine with her weekend with Daddy. So did Bucket. I typed out Llama's whole schedule for Bucket, which he promptly ignored. He took her to his mother so he could get some stuff done. For some reason, dads don't have any of the guilt with dropping the baby off with someone else that moms have. (Llama's grandmother doesn't have a cute name yet. We're working on it. One suggestion was "Grandma Va-jay-jay." It was vetoed by several people.)

Llama is getting a cousin for Christmas. Any other suggestions? Things I can provide. Toys and such. Not siblings, because I couldn't gestate fast enough. Not to mention that I want eight continuous hours of sleep before I'll consent to thinking about another baby. These decisions should not be made by the sleep deprived.

And now I will end this strange, disjointed post. Y'know, I started this blog because I used to write fairly often (and fairly well, by most reports). Today is not a shining example. Perhaps tomorrow will be better.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Realizing I made a big, bad boo-boo

So yesterday, I wrote about how I was annoyed that people who were supposed to be my friends weren't calling me back. Last night, I was frustrated enough that I left a short, angry message on one of their voicemails. I didn't say anything mean, it was the way I said it that was mean. And her feelings were hurt.

See, for more than a year, I've been feeling like these two people have become closer friends and excluded me. That colored how I chose to talk to one of them last night (the one I've known longest). It wasn't appropriate behavior on my part, and I'd be feeling just as hurt as she is if I had received a similar message.

We've been drifting apart, mostly because I felt excluded more than a year ago and decided to just keep that to myself and let it eat at me for all this time. And then when my friend couldn't come to Llama's baptism, even though it was for a very good and understandable reason, I let that combine with my hurt feelings from before. Then when my friend went on a very nice vacation, I was jealous. I haven't been on vacation in more than two years and I am not likely to be seeing any warm tropical beaches (or snow-covered mountains, or national landmarks) any time soon. So I just packed that jealousy in with my hurt feelings and held onto it.

Then I dumped it out on her last night. Which she didn't and doesn't deserve. I can't apologize enough. Before you think that this is an open apology to her, let me tell you that we have drifted apart enough that I never even sent her a link to this blog. She's been my best friend since we were fifteen years old, and I haven't told her most of the stuff on here or that this even exists, because I was being petty and jealous. I'm ashamed. This is not how I want to raise my daughter to act. I'm a better person than this. I'm a better friend than this. Or I used to be.

I've been dealing with some depression and anxiety issues. That's not an excuse. I'm stressed out, lonely, scared, and sad a good portion of the time. That is also not an excuse. I know better. I wasn't taught better, but I have taught myself better. I'm ashamed that I seem to have reverted to behaviors my mother uses and that's not acceptable to me or to anyone else.

I'm trying. I'm sorry.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Have you ever heard that November is National Blog Posting Month?

So there's this thing called NaBloPoMo, where you post every. single. day. through November. I'm getting a late start. I don't know that I'll be able to do weekends, since they're pretty hectic around here, with Bucket being home and trying to get house projects done. I write when Llama's sleeping, but if Bucket's home, all bets are off. Anyway, I'm going to do my best to keep up with it.

I'm very excited today (only partially because it's Election Day). Tomorrow, I'm going to have lunch and shop with some very fun girls and our babies! Three moms, four babies, one lunch table. I can't wait.

And I'm also kind of annoyed today because I'm supposed to go to a wedding shower-slash-bachelorette party in Erie this weekend. It would have been a snap to handle this before we had Llama. I would have just gone alone. But Llama is breastfed and she's never been away from me for more than four hours yet. I realize the time is coming when I will be leaving her in someone else's care for longer than that, but I don't think this is the time. Anyway, the original plan was that Bucket and Llama would be in a hotel room while I attended the various events and made my command performance. But now Bucket might have to be out of town, and if he is, that totally wrecks the entire plan. I can't leave Llama alone in a hotel room. So I called the hostesses of the shower (who are allegedly my friends) and asked if Llama would be welcome at the shower with me and said that if this all came to pass, that I would be unable to come to the bachelorette party at all. Nobody has answered my question yet.

Now, I realize it's very rude to bring a person to an event to which they were not invited. That is not my intention. I only want to know if they intended for me to bring Llama or not. If not, that is fine, and I apologize very much, but I will not be there at all. That is just the way it has to be, and it sucks, and people will be angry and disappointed with me, which also sucks. There is nothing I can do about that. So I wait for a return phone call and hope that sooner or later, I will get an answer. Because at this point, I kind of feel like calling and leaving the message that we aren't coming. Just out of annoyance with the whole thing, which is not the right thing to do.

Speaking of the right thing to do, I am going to go vote as soon as Llama wakes up from her morning nap. Happy Election Day!

Monday, November 3, 2008

Things Llama does that make me laugh - in list form

Because I'm feeling lazy. Or efficient. Or efficiently lazy? Lazily efficient? Anyway, the list.

  • Yesterday I parked her in front of a three-way mirror while I tried on pants. She loves herself. She laughs and coos to herself and tries to touch her face. It was a great way to occupy her so I could look at my own butt.
  • She dances to crappy peppy music in the store. Totally be-bopping in the stroller, tapping her feet together, all in time to some stuff I'm too old to recognize.
  • She tries to take my slippers off my feet and eat them. If she succeeds in getting my slippers off, she wants to lick my toes. (I don't let her eat my slippers or lick my toes.)
  • She turns her head completely sideways, like 90 degrees from where it started, to look at me when I'm getting her food ready. Her forehead almost touches her shoulder. I have no idea how she does it.
  • Finally, she pooped while Bucket was in charge!
  • She will not sleep if something more interesting is happening. It's amusing because I am the same way, so maybe it's genetic? Nebbiness must be dominant. Bucket sleeps through anything.
  • She beeps noses and laughs if you beep her nose.
  • She blows raspberries when she's not happy with her circumstances for whatever reason. You fed her applesauce? Apple covered raspberries to you. You put her in her carseat? Raspberries. You are brushing your teeth while she sits in her crib awake, but she can hear you and knows you're up? Many raspberries.
  • Licking the hardwood floor... every chance she gets.
  • She pets kitties and puppies (nicely, even!), and will reach for them after they have gotten tired of her and walked away.

Edited to add:

  • When she is done with whatever I'm feeding her, she shakes her head no over and over again. If you ask her if she's done, she shakes her head no and laughs. If I take her at her "word," and stop feeding her, she cries.
  • She loves shredded cheese. Ahhh, she is my child.

My PSA for the day... I don't care who you vote for, just go vote tomorrow!